legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
