bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
