If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
