I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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