did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
