Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
