I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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