as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
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is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
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They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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