I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
