I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
