I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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