So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Randomize
