I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
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After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
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i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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