i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
