Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
