id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
