I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
