I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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