I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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