Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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