"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
