i permit you to call me
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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