Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
