and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
