I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
