Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
