guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I will pee on everything he values.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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