I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
