so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
