Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
