I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
last night I used snow as a chaser
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