You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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