I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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