Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
