He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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