Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
