she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You're like the curious george of whores
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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