Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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