after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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