I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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