yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
