you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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