Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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