textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I wear drunk well.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
