I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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