I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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