I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
