I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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