pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
