You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
