She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It was confusing and full of hummus
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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