OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
