I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She's the barista slut.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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