If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
