I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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