It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
